I grew up in an extended family, like many families around the area we all lived together. It's a patriarchal society in a sense when the bride is married she moved into the grooms family. Her family is given a dowry (even now if I married a Fujianese girl I'd need to pay their family 50k, especially a girl from what they seemed to be a respectable family). This dynamic made the family set up to be paternally based. The true family or first family is all the members on my father's side of the family and the second family would be the members on my mother's side of the family. What's really interesting and deeply ingrained into our vocabulary is the way we call our grandmother and grandfathers.
(Side note on family)
Since Chinese culture of the family is mainly due to its filial piety and ancestors worships based on Confucian virtues of the last two thousand years, the idea of the family and respect for the elders comes first in the family setting. It's hard to break 2000 years of tradition, just like how gay marriage even in a slowly declining religious society in the west today, it's still heavily influenced by western Christian culture, is its root.
The implication of respect for family means that you do not rebel against those who are your elder like you can in the west. You must obey those who are older than you, to a form of even irrational standards. To rebel means to say no to the family name and thus lineage.
(Side note ends)
Growing up, we call our paternal grandmother and grandfather Chinese 奶奶 and 爷爷, or nai nai and ye ye, respectively. They are the standard term for your gramps; however, we call our maternal grandmother and grandfather wai po and wai gong, or the direct translation being the grandfather of the outside and grandmother of the outside. Even with Chinese etymology there exist this otherness in naming the family members, causing a form of allegiance between the two. In American culture, this seems to be very different when words spoke with the same power it also affects the way you think about the words too.
Growing up, I've always respect all of my family, but I've still considered my father's side of the family to be more of "family" than my mother's side, not because I don't like them, it's just that I grew up in this household. I grew up with my (all father's side) grandfather, grandmother, 3 aunts (that was married into the family) and 3 uncles. We lived in two houses across the street from each other, and that was my family. My father was out of the picture in 1994 to go to the US. But it was a good time growing up, and when I wanted to visit my maternal grandmother, we can just go there, a 20 min tricycle ride or 10 mins crotch rocket ride.
However, it wasn't all that peaceful especially after I came to the US. There brew growing tension between the two sides of the family. My mother being in the middle since she's the connection between the two. There were times when my paternal family would tell me to not care for the other side, and time and time again my response is the same, I am me, and this is y'all problem not mine. If y'all wanna bicker about it then y'all do it, I don't care.
This goes against the filial piety and goes against the traditional reasoning of respecting your elders especially those who are in your family, immediate family. Due to my upbringing in the west, I've rebelled against my parents many times, and I think I came out better most of the time. It's crucial to foster self-thinking and self-creation, rather than staying with the conservative values of the past. This is another reason that Chinese people are great followers and Americans are great leaders, one goes for security, and authority, while the other goes for risk and creative endeavors. Both sides have their strengths and weakness.
All of this comes to hanging out with my maternal aunt and uncle for the last few days. It was a joy listening to my uncle talks about the past and talk about the history of Guantou, Qingqi mountain, and the immigrant experience that he faced. He was one of the original immigrants that came to the US in 1984. He like everyone else in this area were workers of peasant jobs. When he and others heard about the better opportunities in the US, he went for it. In 1993, almost 9 years later he brought his wife, my aunt to the US as well. He created a restaurant empire here and would open up new restaurants to sell to his relatives and give them to his kids.
I spend 2 days at his house in our hometown, and I've never paid more than that before in entire adult or young adult life. One major regret I have is forgetting my much of my native tongue that reduced my ability to communicate with my relatives. But often when I said this frustration, my family member would just reply "you know English, and you can make money. Forget about these small things."
What surprised me coming back here is how much I can still speak of my native tongue. I was able to communicate most of what I wish to talk about with my uncle, and we were able to talk about his journey to the US, as well as other parts of my family who are also in the US. In the end, he even laughed a lot too. To me was never expected of him. I've often thought of him as the boss of an established criminal organization, that dark and calculated mentality, but that wasn't the case at all. Sure he's still the boss, but more of a chill boss who is now retired and heavily opinionated on some issues, but still has a warmth that was able to make me happy. He's still my uncle after all, and I am still his nephews which he respects due me going to Michigan.
So... yeah, my uncle is pretty dope. I really hope that the schism will be in the past, and for the future of the Zhang-Lin family, there shall be a balance. I am pleased that my family has made it to the American dream, and kids like Rachel is growing up to be Americans.